An After Thought

It came to me late at night, that Easter eve, that my God, my Jesus, my Lord was becoming an after thought. Surely not though. I have been praying, reading the Bible, and obviously believing, so that’s ‘‘enough’’. Right? The answer is wrong. There will never be an “enough” to pay back our Lord for everything He has given us.

I was about to have my usual prayer before bed when I started feeling guilty. Something I have been struggling with gripped me in the moment. I knew that I would regret it but, selfish as it is, my flesh wanted it. I also knew that my Lord would be disappointed with what had taken over me. But I did it anyway with the intentions that I would pray after, and go to sleep.

That is when it hit. An After thought. God had been deliberately forced out and put on the back burner for later. He was not taking the first place in my heart. But the habit was too hard to break in the moment. Much too hard to have chosen the narrow path. And I knew that my Lord would not be happy with the things that had taken hold of me.

Then it even hit harder, Jesus died for me. It is those sins, those little things that nailed Him to the cross. That didn’t happen long ago and now we are to live fancy free. Yes, maybe Jesus died long ago, but it’s my sin that made those drops of blood shed. It’s me who has mocked Jesus. It’s me who has spit at Him. Tears fell from my eyes at that time. Surely not me. I can’t wrap my mind around doing something like that to my Lord.

But oh so suddenly the fleshly desire, the earthly temptation, grabs me and I once again realize, I did it again. I put my Lord after those fleshly things. If I had only put Him first, then the fleshly desire wouldn’t have overtaken me. It brings things into a real perspective when I realize it’s me that put Him there. And then I would actually view Him as an after thought?

I want to grow stronger, deeper in serving Him. Afterall, its me that nailed Him to the cross, but He loved me enough to rise again to give me another chance.

So once again I poured out my heart and asked for forgiveness. He was there with a smile of love on His face, open arms of grace, and a peace that calmed the soul. This Jesus, This Lord, This God, must not be an after thought.